


Bishounen Senshi Sailor Tsukuyomi

by AwfulLoneliness



Category: Naruto
Genre: Founders Week 2020, Gen, Guest appearances: Akatsuki and half of Konoha, Multi, Other, Sailor Moon AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27203188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwfulLoneliness/pseuds/AwfulLoneliness
Summary: Senju Hashirama dreams he's on the moon, buys a ragdoll and a madman attacks downtown Tokio.All those facts are connected, somehow.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 5
Collections: Founders Week 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Look, the AU nobody asked for! Follow the adventures of Senju Hashirama, a middle-school boy, as he fights against the forces of evil and maybe-probably-likely finds true love! Lampshades are hung, everybody is a cartoon version of themselves and the author writes way too many characters for her own sanity. Enjoy!

_ Where is he? Oh, yes, the palace gardens (he's never been to a palace, never ever). _

_ He walks along the winding paths, his brother by his side. (It was his brother, right? Right?). Between the branches he can see the full Earth illuminating the night (Earth shouldn't be there). Everything is peaceful, everything is perfect (it won't stay that way for long). _

_ But then something explodes. _

Hashirama opened his black eyes, the weird dream still clinging to him. Taking a stroll in a garden on the moon was the second most ridiculous dream he had ever had, right after the one where a burger chased him around the food court of the shopping mall.

And yet, it was more vivid than any other he had ever had, he thought, brushing his long brown hair away from his eyes and dragging them around his room; the green of the garden's leaves darker than the paint on his walls, the Earth rounder that the zero on his alarm clock...

There shouldn't be a zero on his alarm clock unless he overslept again. SHIT.

He grabbed his uniform and threw it on as he ran down the stairs, hopping on one leg to put his pants on. He kissed his mother goodbye, snatched his notebook and two toasts to eat on the way, and sprinted down the street.

He might even be early today if he kept this speed. It was only five more blocks to his school after he turned the next corner!

Right as he turned, he caught a glimpse of long, wild black hair standing on his way. Instinct took over, and Hashirama twisted and turned to avoid crashing into it. Thankfully his reflexes from years of training took over and he dodged, only brushing loose strands instead of colliding with a body. His notebook flew from his hand but he caught it in the air.

“Sorry!” he called over his shoulder with a smile to the pretty girl who owned the hair.

“Look where you're going, you fucking idiot!” answered the pretty girl in a voice too deep and manly, but Hashirama kept running.

There were three more blocks to go when Hashirama adjusted the grip on his notebook and realized his pen had disappeared.

“Oh come on,” he whined and screeched to a halt in front of that weird shop that carried everything. He only needed a pen, he wasn't going to be sidetracked into an impulsive purchase, no sir. Then he reached the register and saw the ragdoll. It was barely bigger than his hand, a blond boy with whiskers, dressed in eye-watering orange clothes, with mittens for hands. Truly a ridiculous thing.

All thoughts of buying a pen fled his head.

“How much for the toy?” he asked.

“You really want to buy that?” the cashier looked incredulous.

“Yes.”

“It's been here forever so I don't know the price. How much do you have?” Hashirama put a bill on the counter and the cashier regarded it for a moment before shrugging. “Alright, all yours. Have a nice day!”

Hashirama ran the last block to his school with the biggest smile on his face. He'd have to borrow a pen but the toy was worth it. As he crossed the gates he started looking for a familiar mop of white hair, then he waved his hand to get its attention when he found it.

“Tobirama!” he called out.

The mop of white hair turned to him. His brother's face looked unimpressed under it.

“What a miracle you're here before the bell rings, anija” the boy said when Hashirama approached him. His red eyes had a vaguely displeased look on them, but Tobirama always looked vaguely displeased.

“It's too early for sarcasm, Tobi. And if you woke me up I wouldn't be late,” Hashirama said, smiling. “Anyway, can I borrow a pen?”

“You're the eldest! You shouldn't need me to wake you up. Be more responsible!”

“Don't scold me,” he pleaded, dropping his head while dark clouds hung over him.

Tobirama let out a long suffering sigh and handed him a pen. “This is the last time I lend you anything, anija. Are we clear?”

“Of course not. You love me too much not to lend me stuff!” Hashirama's mood was sunny again as he hug his brother.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Tobirama pushed him and Hashirama walked away, laughing at him just as the bell started to ring.

“Hi!” Hashirama greeted when he entered the classroom.

“You're early, Senju-kun. What happened? The end of the world?” his classmate Inuzuka joked.

“Don't be so mean to him, Inuzuka-kun,” the Hyuuga girl chastised him when she saw the cloud over Hashirama's head, and Hashirama beamed at her words. “I'm sure he simply brought new batteries for his clock.”

“You're so meeeaaan, Hyuuga-chan,” Hashirama said, tears streaming down his cheeks while Hyuuga snickered.

“You three are so troublesome,” another classmate said. There was a moment of silence as the sat at their desks before he spoke again. “Have you seen the news this morning?”

“You mean the puppet guy, Nara-kun?” Inuzuka asked him.

“What puppet guy?” Hashirama frowned in confusion.

“Senju-kun, I swear you don't lose your head 'cause it's screwed on top of your shoulders. Last night a guy attacked in the Saitama prefecture. He used some weird puppets, the kind with strings.”

“The Kunoichi stopped him, but he escaped,” Hyuuga added.

“What the hell's happening in Saitama?” Hashirama asked, horrified. “First the evil freezer, then the diamond angel, then the guy with a hole in his chest, then the really tall guy without skin.”

“What would they do without the Kunoichi?”

“They'd be screwed.”

The door opened suddenly and their teacher walked in with a boy in tow.

“Hello class,” the teacher said, staring at them with yellow eyes. “Today we have a new student in the class. Introduce yourself,” he told the boy.

“Yes, Zetsu-sensei,” the boy stepped forward, facing the class. He had a deep voice and a regal face, and his pale skin contrasted with his long, black hair and dark eyes. A few girls sighed wistfully, already in love, but he ignored them. “My name's Uchiha Madara. I just moved from Saitama prefecture because of my father's job.”

He let his eyes wander over his new classmates in complete disinterest. He ignored everyone, from the blushing girls, vaguely assessing boys, to Inuzuka-kun who was scowling, until his gaze landed on Hashirama and his eyes narrowed fractionally.

Hashirama saw him staring and waved enthusiastically. Madara's eyes narrowed further.

Zetsu-sensei waited for a beat to see if the boy would say anything else, but when he didn't, he ordered him to take the free seat in front of Hashirama while he turned around to write on the blackboard.

Hashirama eyed the spiky mass of wild black hair until recognition dawned on him. He tapped Madara's shoulder and beamed at him when the boy turned around. “Hi, I'm Senju Hashirama. I almost crashed into you earlier,” he said.

Madara scowled. “I know. I can recognize an idiot at first sight.”

“That's so rude of you. True, but rude anyway.”

“Silence, Senju-kun!”

“Sorry sensei!”

It was later that same day. Hashirama had already done every one of his chores for the day – wash the dishes, take out the trash, do his homework and even return Tobirama his pen – and was getting ready to go to sleep. He eyed his new toy and debated with himself if it should go on his desk or if he wanted to cuddle it for the night when...

“Hi!”

“Who said that?” Hashirama screeched.

“Me!”

Everyone in the house was already asleep. Hashirama put the toy in the bed and grabbed the nearest thing he could find to defend himself – an umbrella. He threw his closet door open and stabbed the darkness with it, but no one was there.

“I'm on the bed!”

Hashirama glanced over, but on the bed there was nothing but the toy. Except the toy was now sitting and waving at him.

“I'm Naruto!” the toy said.

Hashirama shrieked and hit it with the umbrella. The doll flew like a baseball and hit the further wall with a soft thud.

“Anija, what's wrong?!” Tobirama shouted, barging into his brother's room. He found Hashirama curled up into a ball by the closet.

“That toy's alive!”

Tobirama glanced with incredulous eyes at the completely ordinary, if incredible awful, ragdoll that lay crumpled on the floor.

“You shouldn't experiment with drugs while dad's home, anija. Or at least get something of better quality,” Tobirama turned around to leave.

“DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH IT!”

The door closed with a fateful click.

“If you do that again I'll hit you dattebayo!”

“Please don't kill me doll-sama!”

“Why would I do that?” The toy, Naruto, looked baffled. “I'm here to help you dattebayo! I'm your Guide!”

“Guide? Help me?”

“I'll guide you to help you defeat the evil forces that wish to destroy your planet!”

“Evil forces that wish to destroy my planet?”

“You're denser than me dattebayo.”

“I'm not dense, you're terrible at explaining yourself!”

Naruto scratched the back of his head and laughed. “Well, you're right about that. Let me start again. The same evil forces that destroyed the Moon Kingdom are now trying to destroy the Earth, and you are the only one capable of stopping them by accessing your magical powers with this,” Naruto waved his hands and produced a collar, a clear crystal that looked like quartz with a small clear bead on either side, out of thin air. “Come on, try it on!”

“What” Hashirama asked, blinking blankly at him.

“The same evil forces tha--”

“No, I heard you all right. But Moon Kingdom? Magical powers? Me the only one capable?”

“Yes to all of that dattebayo!”

“Even me?”

“Dattebayo!”

“How do you know it's me and not someone else? My brother for example. He's  _ waaaaay  _ more capable.”

Naruto shrugged. “I don't know how I know. I just know, you know?”

Hashirama pondered about it for a moment. “I know,” he finally declared.

“Cool! Try to transform now,” there was an explosion downtown and Naruto looked in that direction. “Or skip the try and go straight to succeed because the evil forces are here and you need to fight them off,” he jumped and grabbed onto Hashirama's pajama. “Let's go stop them, dattebayo!”

Hashirama's feet were hurting by the time they were near the site of the explosions. He should have put shoes on, but his flip flops were closer by and Naruto had been spurring him on to leave the house immediately.

“Here's close enough, dattebayo. You need to transform before you fight,” Naruto told him. “C'mon, hurry!”

“Hey, Naruto? There's this problem,” Hashirama said with a hint of worry in his voice. “I've never fought before.”

“What?!”

“Only in tournaments! I've practiced kung fu since I was four but I never had to fight for real!”

“Why did I have to be loaded with you?! The kung fu's enough, now transform and fight, dattebayo!”

“How?”

“Focus on the necklace and wish really hard.”

Hashirama closed his eyes and scrunched his face up in concentration. He clutched the quartz tightly and repeated one phrase over and over in his mind:  _ I have to transform, I have to transform, I have to transform, I have to-- _

He heard a shriek and his eyes snapped open. A little girl was stumbling on her own feet in her mad dash to run away from the cloud of dust blowing down the street. Hashirama moved without conscious thought, he had to get there, he had  _ to help her... _

The necklace started shining with a green light that enveloped him, and he felt himself  _ transforming, changing _ . In a single motion, he lifted the girl up, sprinted to the nearest building and kicked the door in.

“Hide here and don't come out until the mess out there stops, ok?” he told the girl.

She only gave him a nod in response, the fear he could see on her wide, teary eyes stopping her from talking. He smiled at her and went out to the street.

“I knew you could do it, dattebayo! Congratulations!” Naruto said from his perch on Hashirama's shoulder.

“Thank you, Naruto. What now?”

“Now we stop the forces of evil. That way!” He pointed his tiny mittens to their right.

Hashirama jumped two stories' high up a building, latched onto a windowsill and launched himself up from window to window with muscle power alone.  _ Nice,  _ he thought as he reached the rooftop and started running to the heart of the fight.

He eventually dropped down an alley and peaked around the exit to assess the situation. There was something blurring about the street, darting in and out of buildings and shops, destroying everything and creaking with a wooden sound every time it moved.

In the middle of the intersection, a man stood almost still, only turning on his heels right before the darting thing moved around. He was full of wrinkles and hunched over by old age.

“That guy in the middle of the street... That thing is moving around him. Is he controlling it?” Hashirama asked.

“You're right, dattebayo. He fights with puppets but I can't remember his name. It was something with an S,” Naruto explained unhelpfully. “and I think there was something else about him, but I can't recall it either.”

“Well, I'll need to figure it out myself then,” Hashirama said and launched himself forward.

The old man saw him coming and directed the puppet at him, but Hashirama easily dodged it, and he was about to reach the old man when he suddenly was flung away, crashing against a building.

“Watch out for the strings!” Naruto said, climbing back up to Hashirama's shoulder.

“I will now!” Hashirama said, jumping away from an attack from the puppet. “How do I get close to it? If I dodge that thing I'll get smacked around by the strings!”

“You don't need to get close! The puppet's wooden!” Naruto was barely clinging to the boy as he rolled to avoid another attack.

“You're still not making sense! What does it b – _ ooof _ \-- wooden have to do with – _ oh, shit _ \-- anything?”

“Oh right, I didn't tell you! You have plant powers!”

“Naruto? -- _ Ugh-- _ ”

“Yes?”

“I f-- _ aagh--  _ ing hate you,” Hashirama grabbed the incoming puppet and wrestled with it, wishing for some power to happen. He felt the roughness of the wood under his fingers, and he focused on it until it was his whole world, until he could feel every joint and crease and grain on it, and then he felt something even  _ deeper  _ within it... Aha,  _ right there.  _ He pulled and pulled and pulled on that deep feeling, until it was right beneath the surface of the puppet, and then it was breaking through the paint...

The puppet exploded, sprouted forth in a tangle of branches and twigs and leaves, until it became a living, lush bush right in the middle of the street. Hashirama's eyes widened in amazement.

“Interesting,” the old man said, and Hashirama's attention snapped to him. “So you are the famed Mokuton Shinobi. I must say I'm not impressed.”

“Nobody cares what you think, you old geezer, dattebayo!” Naruto shouted.

“Old geezer? How unoriginal. I'll enjoy turning the two of you into a new puppet to replace the one you broke.”

“Keep him talking, I'm onto something,” Hashirama whispered to Naruto

The Guide nodded. “You turn people into puppets?!” he shouted. “That's gross! People is full of liquid! And weird bits!”

“Not any longer when I'm done turning them into art.”

“That's double gross! What do you do with the bits you don't need? You just throw them away?”

“I...” the old man stopped and seemed to be frowning. “You're stalling.”

“Yes, he is,” Hashirama answered, and pulled forth with his new power again until the old man exploded into a tree. When the shockwave died down, he approached carefully. “That was easy.”

“Too easy, don't you think?” came the old man's voice from above.

Hashirama looked up to see a young, red haired boy hanging from a building, and fell into a fighting stance again.

“You destroyed my art,” the boy said in the old man's voice. “Congratulations are in order. I will leave now but soon we'll meet again.”

He disappeared in a red cloud, and Hashirama stared at the spot.

“That's what I couldn't remember!” Naruto shouted happily. “Sasori is always inside one of his puppets!”

“The old man was a puppet?” Hashirama asked.

“Yep!”

“And the actual puppeteer –Sasori, right?-- is the hot redhead about my age we just saw?”

“Yep!”

“Figures,” Hashirama sighed.

Hashirama climbed back into his house through his bedroom's window and headed straight to the bathroom. He tried to be as silent as possible, but it was hard because with every step he took his  _ transformation _ clinked. It might have been a soft sound, but it was there nonetheless.

He closed the bathroom door and took a good look at what he was wearing. It was a nice set of armor that felt not quite metallic nor quite plastic, with a high collar to protect his neck, plates from his shoulders to his elbows, forearms and shin guards. Several sheets came down from his waist to mid-thigh; it looked like a skirt and was the culprit of the clinking.

“What do you think? It looks cool, doesn't it, dattebayo?” Naruto asked, jumping down from Hashirama's shoulder and sitting on the rim of the sink.

“Yes, it does,” Hashirama answered, craning his neck to inspect the back. “It's weird that I have wood powers but the armor's red, though.”

“I think it's weird too,” Naruto shrugged.

“I'm also a bit worried about my toes because the sandals have no armoring and are open.”

“You have to be careful when you kick something, dattebayo.”

“I really like this bow. It's soft to the touch,” Hashirama poked the white cloth bow that was attached right over the breastbone on the chest plate.

“It adds something to the look, dattebayo.”

“I like the markings under my eyes,” Hashirama said, appraising his face on the mirror. “They look kinda red straight on but green from the side.”

“You look fierce with them! Too bad you also got a bullseye in the middle of your forehead.”

“I don't like the bullseye. Can I get rid of it?”

“Nope. Hey, I need to tell you something before I forget. There are more like you out there.”

“People who can transform? Great! Who are they?”

“Eehhh... I don't know, we need to find them first. We're six Guards, one for each of you. I don't know how or why I woke up when you found me, but the rest of us will be asleep until they and their shinobi are found. I hope it's soon because the bad guys are already attacking.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one where the author is ambushed by brotherly angst, and dark things are revealed. There's also fighting, I guess.

“Good morning,” Hashirama said when he entered the kitchen. His father was already gone, but Tobirama was sitting at the table eating breakfast.

“Morning,” Tobirama growled, because he wasn't a morning person.

“What happened to your eye?” Hashirama asked, sitting in front of him with a bowl full of rice and miso. Tobirama's left eye was slightly swollen and greenish, like he had been punched but not too hard.

“There's a new guy in the karate club.”

“Wow, if he got you he's good.”

Tobirama hummed his agreement. “Almost as good as me. Apparently his father is a police commissioner and he practices since he's little. Izuna, he's called, Uchiha Izuna.”

“Hey, I've heard that name! There's a new guy in my class too who moved for his father's job, Uchiha Madara. They're probably family.”

“Short, pale, lustrous black hair like a shampoo commercial?”

“Short, pale, black hair like it has seen a brush but it was a few days ago. But it  _ is  _ shiny.”

“Yes, probably brothers.”

Hashirama was in the school gym, rummaging through his bag to fish for his phone. He had finished all his activities for the day but he wanted to have ice cream before going home, and maybe he could convince his cousin to join him, so he texted her.

_ Hey Touka are you still at school? Want to hang out and eat ice cream? _

A minute later his phone pinged with her answer:  _ Still at boxing but finish in five, wait for me at the gates. You're paying. _

Hashirama smiled at his phone and ran for the door, swinging it open and crossing it without paying attention. He promptly collided against something on the other side.

He fell to the floor, dragging down whatever he collided with. He flailed, trying to disentangle himself from the person –and it  _ was _ a person, or maybe two judging from the amount of hair – he had crashed into.

“Stop struggling! You're pulling my hair!” the person shouted, so Hashirama stopped. He was still shrouded in long, wild black hair that looked familiar, and he could swear he recognized the voice.

Hashirama pulled the hair carefully away until he found a face.

“Hey, Madara!” he said cheerfully. “Sorry about this.”

“Idiot Senju, get off me!” Madara growled and pushed him away, scrawling to his feet. “Be more careful!”

“Sorry, sorry! I wasn't looking!”

“Clearly you weren't, idiot,” Madara said, blushing slightly. He fixed his hair, brushed his clothes and walked away, giving Hashirama a sour look as he left.

“I told you I'm sorry!” Hashirama called after him, pouting. When the other boy didn't answer, he shrugged and stood up. He had some ice cream to eat with his cousin.

Hashirama had been fidgeting at the school's gates for fifteen minutes when a girl barely older than him approached. Her short brown hair was tied up in a tight ponytail and her bangs covered her left eye.

“Touka!” he greeted and ran to squish her in a hug.

“Ugh, easy there, Hashi. I'm tender around the ribs today,” she said.

“Ah, sorry,” he smiled sheepishly as they started to walk away. “How was your practice?”

“We modified the routine so I'll be mincemeat for a while. How about you?”

“My routine's the same.”

“Really? Because that hug you just gave me wasn't as strong as it should be.”

“I just had a bad fall. My back feels like I crashed into a building.”

“Oh?” Touka asked with a sly tone, and Hashirama realized what she intended to do as her palm connected with his back.

He whimpered in pain, rivers of tears running down his face as Touka doubled over with laughter.

“Why are you so mean?! You're no longer my favorite cousin!” he whined.

“Quit it, you drama queen,” she said, snorting out the last chuckles and walking to a nearby bush bed. “You have no other cousins so you're stuck with me.”

He huffed, and then frowned at her. “What are you doing?”

“I saw something here,” she said, rummaging through the bush. She finally took her hand out with a cry of victory, showing what she found. It was a ragdoll, a pink-haired girl with a nurse uniform.

“Awww, it's so cute! Do you think someone lost it?”

“Probably,” Touka answered, inspecting it all over. “But it has no name or address. I'll put up a poster to see if someone recognizes it.”

Hashirama closed the door to his bedroom and turned around to find a very angry Naruto, standing on the bed with his tiny arms crossed.

“You left me here and your cat tried to eat me,” he said.

“Matatabi is my brother's,” Hashirama answered.

“...your brother named his cat after a cat drug?”

“He does things like that sometimes.”

“Well, my point still stands, dattebayo! Your brother's cat tried to eat me because you left me here! You should always take me with you, dattebayo!”

“I can't go around with a doll all day long. It's frowned upon at my age.”

“I'm not a doll, I'm your Guide, dattebayo! And what happens if you need to fight? Who'll give you clues?”

“You didn't remember the guy's name or what was weird about him until it happened!”

“Because my memory's still scrambled, dattebayo! But when we find other shinobi it'll get better!”

“You don't remember how to do that!”

Naruto was opening his mouth to answer when there was a knock on the door. He panicked and flailed silently.

“Anija?” Tobirama's voice came from the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”

Hashirama emitted a high pitched sound. “Give me a second!” he said, flapping his arms at Naruto. Naruto ran on the bed, end to end, until Hashirama snatched him and shoved him into a drawer, then he sat primly on the bed. “Come on in!”

Tobirama walked in and eyed him with something akin to concern. He looked like he was bracing himself to speak.

“Hey,” he eventually said.

“Hey yourself,” Hashirama answered, and there was an awkward pause.

“How are you, anija?”

“Ummm... fine, I guess?” Hashirama tilted his head at the odd question. Tobirama wasn't one for social chats.

“No, I mean... in general, how you've been lately. I heard you talking to yourself.”

“Hahahahah, just letting out some steam.”

“Are you sure?” the youngest boy raised his eyebrow. “The fights leading to a divorce have a higher mental toll on a couples' children, so mom and dad finally divorcing was for the best:”

“Oh, I see what you mean. I'm fine, I think,” Hashirama patted the spot next to him and Tobirama went to sit there. “How are  _ you?  _ You've signed for three extra clubs since the divorce.”

“I'm ok, anija. I wanted to do something with my extra spare time.”

“Are you sure? Because it looks like you're throwing yourself into school to avoid dealing with all of this.”

“I'm not doing such a thing.”

Hashirama looked at him for a moment. “I don't know what to do with all the spare time not babysitting them, either. I miss them so much the other day I dreamed Itama bounced on my bed to wake me up because he wanted me to see the chifflons.”

“The... chifflons?”

“I don't know what a chifflon is, ok? Dreams don't need to make sense.”

Tobirama snorted. “Kawarama sent me a video earlier today, have you seen it? He convinced Itama to camp in the backyard.”

“Then he tapped him inside the sleeping bag!” Hashirama laughed. “Yes, he sent it to me too.”

Both of them smiled and Tobirama looked at him with a smirk. “The best one was when he replaced your deodorant with spray tan. Why did you take so long to figure it out?”

“I thought it was some puberty thing,” the older boy said, scratching the back of his head. “Nothing will top the day he put glitter on your shampoo, though.”

“What? He caught you in that one too!”

“Nope, I used it on purpose. I wanted the sparkle.”

Tobirama rolled his eyes. “Of course you would do that,” he remained silent for a while, staring at his hands. “Now they're on the other side of Japan.”

Hashirama hugged him. “It was better for them to go with mom. Dad's too strict.”

“I know, but I still miss them,” Tobirama hugged his brother back, but backed off quickly. “I'm going to do my homework, and I suggest you do the same.”

Hashirama rolled his eyes as Tobirama left the room.

“I feel kinda bad for eavesdropping but I had no choice, dattebayo,” Naruto said, his head poking out of the drawer, but Hashirama waved a hand dismissively. “I wanted to tell you something after the cat thing. I can feel another shinobi nearby. We should go find them.”

“Great! Let's go!” Hashirama beamed.

“It's just over there. I'm so excited to meet them, dattebayo!” Naruto said from his perch on Hashirama's shoulder.

The boy had sneaked out of his window and was following the Guide's directions to where the next shinobi was. They were a few blocks away from Hashirama's house and both of them were bouncing with excitement.

“Who do you think the shinobi is?” Hashirama asked.

“I don't know, but I feel their presence. The Guide will be sleeping, though. I need to wake them up. There, it's that house!”

Hashirama looked at the house Naruto was pointing and smiled. He took his cell out and dialed a number.

“What are you doing, dattebayo?! You need to go speak with the shinobi, there’s no time to...  _ text _ your girlfriend!” Naruto shouted.

“I don't have a girlfriend, Naruto! And I'm not texting, I’m calling!”

“We don't have time for calling either!”

“ _ Hi. What's happening?” _ Touka's voice came from the speaker.

“Hi Touka! Sorry to bother you so late but I need to talk to you!” Hashirama said into the phone.

“ _ Is something wrong? Are you ok? And Tobi?” _

“Yes, we're fine. It's not an emergency,” there was an explosion in the distance and sirens started to wail. “Well, maybe it's an emergency but it's not an urgent emergency. Can I come in?”

“ _ Come in? Hashirama, you're outside my house right now?” _

“I'm right under your window,” he waved when Touka peeked down to the street. “I need to tell you something important.”

“ _ Can't it wait until tomorrow?” _

Hashirama turned around to look at the cloud of dust that was rising downtown, as the sirens rang louder and louder. “No, I don't think so. I'm climbing up your window.”

“ _ Wait, Hashi---” _

Hashirama hung up and started climbing Touka's house. The window was already open and he hopped through.

“What the hell, Hashi?!” Touka asked, throwing her hands in the air.

“Hi there! I'm Naruto!” Naruto introduced himself.

Touka froze.

“Please don't scream? I actually have an explanation for the talking doll,” Hashirama said.

“I think she broke. You tell her what's going on and I'll find the Guard, dattebayo!”

Touka's eyes followed Naruto as he jumped down Hashirama's shoulder and started searching around her bedroom. She took a deep breath and pointedly looked at her cousin.

“This will sound crazy, but...” Hashirama said. “There was a kingdom on the moon that got destroyed by evil guys and they are now trying to destroy Earth because they're evil or something? You know the puppet guy from yesterday that was all over the news, he's one of them. And there are people who can fight them, you and me and others. Naruto is my Guard and he helps me fight, or he should but he's kind of dumb--”

“Hey!” Naruto said from under Touka's bed.

“---and he says he can feel another Guard here in your hou-- oh, I bet it's the pink-haired doll we found today.”

“Pink hair?” Naruto asked.

“That's a robot and you're pulling a prank, right?” Touka said.

“Pink hair means she's Sakura-chan!” Naruto shouted.

“It gets some getting used to but it's not a joke. The armor is really cool,” Hashirama explained.

“Saaaakura-chan!”

“It's too elaborate to come from you. Did Tobirama help you plan all of this?”

“Saaaaakura-CHAN!”

“It's  _ not  _ a joke, Touka. Sasori's attacking downtown again.”

“SAAAAAkura-CHAN!”

“Sasori?”

“The puppet guy from the news.”

“There you are, Sakura-chan!” Naruto shouted, jumping onto the desk and hugging the rag doll Touka had found earlier that day.

There was a blinding light, and when it subdued, the pink haired doll was hitting Naruto over the head.

“You took too long to find me!” she shouted at him.

“Neee, Sakura-chan, I found you as soon as I could,” Naruto answered, cowering. “And we have a  _ situation _ out there!”

“Oh,” she finally looked around. “I'm Sakura. Who are you?”

“The doll is talking,” Touka said.

“Hi! I'm Hashirama, nice to meet you!”

“I thought you and Tobi were pulling a prank on me with robots or something, but I've held her in my hands, and she was too soft to contain a robot.”

“We're not robots, we're Guards!” Naruto chipped in.

“Do you need a moment to process this?” Sakura asked Touka.

“A talking doll is giving me emotional space.”

“We can go hit things in awesome costumes instead of processing this,” Hashirama said. “It's probably more to your liking.”

“Yes please, but I'll have a breakdown later if you don't mind.”

“Great! Let's go, dattebayo!”

There was considerably more noise than last time, Hashirama thought, probably because this time he had more puppets than before. He counted at least seven on the glimpse he got while on the move for cover.

He stepped into an alley and saw a flash of gray. Touka dropped next to him and peeked out from behind the wall to assess the situation.

Transforming had come so easily to her, Hashirama couldn't help but feel a little jealous, and he also felt jealous of the fact that her armor didn't  _ clink _ . It was obviously built for stealth; the plates were greenish-gray, the bow was moss green and it made no sound as she moved around. And it came with wicked markings that looked like eyeliner, not like a  _ bullseye. _

Life was definitely unfair to Hashirama.

“So we have to fight  _ that _ ?” Touka asked.

“Yep. That redhead in the middle is the target. They're wooden so I can take care of them, but with so many I don't know if it'll help at all, he'll probably cut me off with the strings before I can get close.”

“What does them being wooden have to do with anything?”

“He has the ability to manipulate wood and plants,” Sakura told Touka. She was sitting on her shoulder, much like Naruto was on Hashirama's. “You have an unique ability tied to your armor too.”

“Magical powers for the magical armors, of course. What did I get?”

“Super strength.”

Touka purred at that. “I have an idea what we can do. Can I survive jumping from a fourth floor, Sakura?”

“Four is too dangerous. If you can land and roll, three stories would be better.”

“I'll make it work. Hashi, listen closely...”

Hashirama walked out of the alley and squared his shoulders in front of Sasori.

“Mokuton Shinobi, I'm glad you came here. This way I won't have to chase you down to turn you into my new art piece,” the redhead said.

“We'll pass on the puppet thing,” Hashirama said.

“And that's a hard pass, dattebayo! We'll keep all our liquid and weird bits inside!” Naruto shouted.

“We'll see,” Sasori answered.

He twitched his fingers and puppets rained on Hashirama, but this time Hashirama was ready. He shifted his feet slightly, and when the first puppet reached him, his fingers brushed against it.

It exploded into a million splinters.

Hashirama twisted and turned and dodged, fingers gently touching the puppets before they burst.

“I see you've improved,” Sasori said when Hashirama was done. “Let's see how you fare against a few more.”

He threw his hands open in a grand gesture and shimmering tendrils of light shot from his fingers.

“There are so many, dattebayo,” Naruto muttered, looking at the puppets crowding them, on the roofs, clinging to window sills, standing on emergency stairs, closing in on the sidewalks.

Hashirama took a deep breath. “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.”

“Yes, you can, dattebayo! Go get 'em!”

The puppets jumped on him. He dodged and destroyed one, two, three, four. The fifth snatched his left arm and halted his momentum before being blown to pieces.

The sixth got his leg. Seventh, eighth and ninth piled up on him. Wood clawed at his face, his arms, his legs. He pulled and pushed with his power, but every time he destroyed one, two more took its place.

Then half the puppets tore away from him.

Touka jumped from the building she was hanging from, aiming straight for the redhead. She landed and rolled, leaving a crater on her wake, but he felt her approaching and moved at the last second. Still, it was enough to get half the puppets away from Hashirama.

She pressed forward, left-left-right punches in quick succession, giving the boy no respite. She elbowed a puppet coming for her and it exploded with her sheer strength.

“Hashi?!” she shouted, grabbing a handful of strings and pulling the redhead closer. He cut them and jumped back.

“I'm fine! Got your back!” her cousin answered, making puppets burst into vines and trees.

She frowned in determination and kept dealing her onslaught. The boy was good, and he was fast, but she was  _ better. _

She sprinted forward and her left uppercut connected with the redhead. Her right hook whipped forward and caught him fully on the chest.

The boy wheezed and slumped to his knees.

“Craft defeated by brute force, how  _ shameful, _ ” he whispered and locked eyes with her. “But I am only one of many. We will triumph in the end.”

Touka rolled her eyes and punched him in the mouth. The redhead turned to ash and was blown away by the wind.

She trotted up to Hashirama and looked him up and down.

“I'm sorry I took so long. I couldn't get my power on the first try. How are you?”

“Bloodied, beaten and hurting all over but glad it ended.”

“We almost died, dattebayo!”

“Don't shout, Naruto. Touka, get closer to Hashirama-kun, please,” Sakura said, and when Touka complied she jumped on the boy's shoulder.

A green glow enveloped them and the wounds and bruises started to fade.

“This is so cool,” Hashirama said.

“Can I do that too?” Touka asked.

“No, it's something only I can do,” Sakura answered.

“Can you do something like that, Naruto?” Hashirama asked his Guard.

“Nope!”

“What can you do then?”

Naruto scratched the back of his head, laughing.

“Run your mouth, then,” Hashirama guessed.

“Hey!”

In a huge and dark room that echoed with strange sounds, a man was shrouded in the shadows between two pillars.

“ **Sasori has been defeated,”** he said. Only his yellow eyes were visible.

From atop her raised throne, Queen Kaguya scoffed. “Unsurprising,” she said, crossing her long, pale legs. “He was a bad match for the Mokuton.”

“ **He was defeated by another shinobi.”**

Queen Kaguya cocked her head, long locks of gray hair falling around her shoulders.

“ **The Strength Kunoichi has been found.”**

“Is that so, Zetsu?” Queen Kaguya placed her hand softly on her cheek. “Nevermind, she is inconsequential. Find someone better suited to defeat them.”

“Let me go to fight them, my Queen,” a voice came from the wall beside the throne. From between two columns, a boy stepped forward. He was clad in an armor of a red so dark it was almost black; a black ribbon adorned his chest and from his waist hung a ragdoll. His long, wild black hair framed his pale skin, and it hid his face when he knelt in front of the throne. “Let me serve you.”

Queen Kaguya hid her smirk behind her fingers. “Come here, boy,” she ordered him.

Her eyes turned almost soft and fond as he climbed up the stairs and knelt at her feet. She leaned forward, gently brushed away the bangs covering his right eye and cupped his cheeks in her hands. She tilted his head back until her pale lavender eyes locked with his black ones. She delighted herself in the way his breath caught in his throat when she glided her thumbs over his cheekbones.

“I can't let you do that, my boy. All of them are disposable, mere pawns to be used to reach an end. But you, my beautiful boy, are the only one who can make our plan become a reality. Without you we are doomed to fail, and without you, we are nothing,” she ghosted her knuckles along his jaw and brushed her lips on his forehead. “Do you understand how important you are, Madara?”

“Yes, my Queen,” Madara whispered. “But I just want to be of use to you.”

“And you will be, my boy, when the time comes. Now go, get our troops ready.”

Madara bowed his head one last time and left the throne room. Zetsu's eyes followed his walk until the huge doors closed behind him.

“ **He's too eager for a fight,”** he said

“He's eager to prove himself,” Queen Kaguya answered. “He'll be vicious when we unleash him, and pliant to our needs in the meantime. Now go find someone suitable to get rid of those pests that call themselves shinobi.”

“ **As you wish, my Queen.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didya see the Madara reveal coming?


	3. Chapter 3

Madara had been looking at Hashirama all day long, and while it was true that most people would describe the looks he was throwing over his shoulder as 'poisonous', Hashirama wasn't most people! He was more optimistic and social than most, so he decided to read those stares as a latent possibility for friendship. He mostly decided on it because he noticed Madara kept blushing.

So when Madara threw him another poisonous look over his shoulder, gathered his things and left the classroom at the end of the day, but not before throwing another poisonous look from the doorway, Hashirama picked his stuff hurriedly and ran after him.

“Hey, Madara!” he said when he caught up. “I think my brother and your brother go to the same class!”

Madara answered with an impressive flat look, but Hashirama was gesturing and smiling too broadly to notice.

“And they go to karate club together! Do you do karate too? I did for a while, but I've been practicing kung fu since I was four so I just stuck to it, you know?” He walked backward down the stairs in the front of the school.

“Why are you telling me any of this, Senju? Why are you even  _ talking  _ to me?” Madara blushed while he snarled.

“I don't know,” Hashirama shrugged. “Hey, there's Tobi! Tobi's my little brother. HI TOBI!”

Tobirama turned away from the dark-haired boy he was talking to and acknowledged his brother with a roll of his eyes.

“Don't shout, anija, not everyone is as deaf as you,” he scolded. “Are you done for the day?”

“Yep!” Hashirama cocked his head at the boy by his brother's side. “Hi, I'm Hashirama.”

“Uchiha Izuna,” the boy said. His hair was as perfect as Tobirama had described, short in the front and long and tied in a pigtail on the back. His black eyes left Hashirama's face and flickered to Madara. “So this is him, aniki?”

Madara narrowed his eyes, pink dusting his cheeks. “This is the  _ idiot _ that keeps crashing into me, yes.”

Izuna nodded, making an appreciative sound. “We're going to the arcade, you two wanna join?”

“Yes!” Hashirama beamed at him.

“I'm busy. See you at home,” Madara growled and left.

“You're no fun, aniki!” Izuna called at his brother's retreating back, shoving his hands in his pockets, and then turned to Hashirama with a small smirk. “The invitation still stands for you.”

Hashirama's eyes flickered briefly to his brother, whose ears were bright red but his eyes had the fiercest glare directed at him.

“Well, I should catch up with my homework, but since it's on the way home you guys mind if I walk with you for a while?” He asked with a sheepish smile.

“Sounds good,” Izuna said, dragging his eyes to Tobirama with a lazy smile and nodded to get them going.

As soon as he turned his back Hashirama gave his brother two thumbs up and an exaggerated smile, eyebrow wiggle included. Tobirama blushed harder and rolled his eyes.

_ If you don't want him can I shoot my shot?  _ Hashirama mouthed, but judging by his brother's frown he didn't understand.

Hashirama chatted a bit with Izuna and Tobirama on the way to the arcade, and found Izuna had nice wits to match his nice looks, so Hashirama approved of his brother's choice. He did not, however, approve of Tobirama's approach to the whole flirting thing. He had to give his brother some pointers later that day or this was going to be a mess.

He was about to say his goodbyes when he saw Touka standing by the arcade's door. She was looking at her phone and didn't see them approaching.

“Touka!” Hashirama called too loudly and she jumped.

“Hashi, you idiot! You scared me!”

He laughed and threw an arm around her shoulders. “That was the point! What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for someone. Hey, Tobi,” she shook Hashirama off and bumped fists with the younger boy. “Who's this guy?”

“Hello, Touka. This is my classmate, Uchiha Izuna.”

“Hi,” Izuna drawled, extending his hand with a small smirk tugging at his lips.

“Uchiha, eh? Related to Naori?” Touka grabbed it and squeezed.

“She's a distant cousin. Where do you know her from?” he squeezed back.

“She was my senpai,” she squeezed harder, until he gave up and retreated his hand.

Tobirama and Hashirama exchanged a look, baffled. They didn't understand what the gripping contest was for.

“I'm waiting for her right now, but she's going to take a while.”

“We were going to play something if you want to join us,” Tobirama said.

“Let's play Cowboy Shooter, Touka!” Hashirama chimed in. “You won't win this time.”

“You're on, Hashi. I'll wreck your ass,” she said, entering the arcade.

“Oh, it seems I win again,” Hashirama said, smiling broadly at Touka.

“You were just lucky,” she scoffed.

“I don't know about that. Do you want a rematch?”

Touka was about to agree when someone entering through the front door caught her eyes. “I'll have to pass.”

Hashirama blinked at her and turned around, in time to see a purple haired young woman approaching them. She was lithe and elegant, and had an open, honest, and quite beautiful face.

“Oooohhh, I  _ see, _ ” he teased.

“Shut up,” Touka whispered and turned to greet the woman. “Hi, Naori-senpai.”

“Hello, Touka,” the woman said, smiling sweetly at her.

“Aren't you going to introduce us, Touka?” Hashirama asked slyly.

She grunted. “Naori-senpai, this is my cousin Hashirama, who was about to leave:”

“Nice to meet you, Hashirama-san,” Naori said, shaking his hand.

“Nice to meet you too. I'd like to chat longer, but as Touka said, I must go,” Hashirama shook her hand back and, with one last loaded look at his cousin, turned around and left.

He considered saying goodbye to Tobirama and Izuna, but they were too busy, Izuna trying to catch a stuffed animal while Tobirama gave him instructions, so Hashirama decided to just walk past and head straight for his house.

Later that night, Hashirama was cooking dinner, in part because he was a good older brother and in part because when Tobirama cooked everything tasted bland, when there was a piercing shriek coming from his brother's bedroom. He was halfway up the stairs before he realized he was moving.

“TOBI!” he shouted, throwing the bedroom door open.

He stopped in the middle of the room ready to fight and scanned his surroundings. Tobirama has his back against the further wall, crouching on a karate stance and looking intently at his bed, where there was... Naruto, and another stuffed doll, a man with spiky silver hair and a lazy look in the only visible part of his face, his right eye.

“Yo,” the man said, raising a hand, and the laziness was almost visibly rolling off of him. “I'm Kakashi.”

Tobirama round kicked both toys. Kakashi evaded easily, but Naruto wasn't so lucky. Scratch that, he wasn't skilled enough to evade.

Hashirama picked him up from behind the desk where he landed after being kicked. “Hey, what's going on?”

“Your brother is a Shinobi, Hashirama!” Naruto chirruped. “Kakashi-sensei is his Guide!”

“Hi,” Kakashi said again, raising his hand.

“Hi,” Hashirama answered, but he was looking at his brother.

Tobirama was still in the stance of a finished kick, but he wasn't at the ready. He actually looked too loose, like he wasn't all there.

“Tobirama?” Hashirama called cautiously, but there was no answer. Tobirama's brain was still rebooting.

The stillness and unnatural silence was long enough to make Hashirama nervous, so he moved over to his brother and slowly and nonthreateningly put a hand on his arm. That made Tobirama snap.

“WHAT THE FUCK, ANIJA? IS TOUKA-NEE IN ON THIS?” he grabbed fistfuls of Hashirama's shirt and shook him.

“YES!”

“BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE ROBOTS THIS SOPHISTIC-- Wait, what? She is?”

“YES, BUT THEY'RE-- Oh, sorry I'm still screaming. She's in on this but they're no robots. They're magic dolls that grant magical powers.” The incredulous look Tobirama sent his way prompted Hashirama to keep explaining. “No, really! They're here to stop the bad guys that took over the moon from taking over the Earth. And the powers come with  _ wicked _ good armor.”

“Get out of my room and take your  _ robots  _ with you.”

“I could use some help here, guys,” Hashirama told the dolls.

“We're not robots, dattebayo!” Naruto said.

“That's unhelpful, Naruto,” Kakashi pointed out. “I think this boy meant we should convince this other boy we're telling the truth.”

“I'm Hashirama and this is my brother Tobirama.”

“I'd gathered so, but I was purposefully ignoring it because I don't like any of you.”

“You've known us for all of three seconds. It's not enough time to collect any significant amount of data to draw the conclusion of you not liking us,” Tobirama said, frowning, and then added, “I'm trying to reason with one of anija's pranks. What is wrong with me?”

“They're not pranks,” Hashirama explained. “I mean, I don't even know how you got Kakashi.”

“You've also based your conclusion of us being robots on the preconceived notion of us knowing both this boy and whoever Touka is.”

“And we're not robots, dattebayo!”

“You've already said so, Naruto,” Kakashi's only visible eye crinkled in his direction, not so much a smile as an unspoken command to let him do the talking.

“But Touka-chan said the same thing and being underestimated pisses me off, dattebayo! The amount of magic we have to use to move around soft bodies full of stuffing with no metal structure to support us is  _ huge _ and I don't like it when we're downplayed as robots!”

“That's... a surprisingly compelling argument. I'm proud of you, Naruto.”

“Thanks, Kakashi-sensei!”

“You're welcome,” he answered and turned to Tobirama. “Us being dolls is easily verifiable.”

“And you being magical?”

“That one is trickier,” Kakashi acknowledged with a tilt of his head.

“Oh, I know that one!” Hashirama chimed in. “You probably came across Kakashi in a totally random way, but when you saw him you felt an unnatural pull toward him. Am I right?”

Tobirama mumbled something, and Hashirama blinked at him a couple of times, waiting for him to elaborate. Instead, Tobirama's ears turned pink and he mumbled some more.

“I'm sorry, Tobi? I didn't catch any of that.”

Tobirama cleared his throat. “It was gifted to me today,” he repeated, cheeks going red.

“By who?”

Tobirama mumbled  _ yet again. _

“Tobi, who gifted a doll to my little brother?” Hashirama asked slyly. “Was it... that boy from today? Izura-kun?”

“It's  _ Izuna,  _ anija,” Tobirama corrected, and then pinched the bridge of his nose. “You were fishing and I fell for it, didn't I?”

“Yup!” Hashirama beamed at him. “Anyway, I haven't met Izuna before yesterday, so there's no way we could coordinate such an elaborate prank.”

“So my options are you and Touka-nee finding a guy I told you about and roping him into a weird and elaborate prank, which you are charismatic enough to pull off, or magic, which doesn't exist.”

“Let me give you further evidence of our magical nature,” Kakashi said and waved his hands. A white light appeared in the middle of the room and a crystal necklace fell from it to the floor.

Tobirama grabbed the necklace with an unreadable expression, and just stood there, watching it for the longest time. Hashirama studied him with a slight frown.

“Tobi...?” he whispered.

“Magic's real,” Tobirama whispered back, and when he looked at his brother he had an odd light in his eyes. “What are the limits of it?”

Three figures darted across the city: one red, one gray, one blue. They ran along the streets with incredible speed, climbed buildings with unparallelled dexterity, jumped from rooftop to rooftop with amazing grace. The gray and blue figures moved almost silently; the red one clinked with every step.

They climbed atop Tokyo Tower and looked out at the city below them. The blue figure moved his hand around and drank from the water he gathered there.

“Look at you, Tobi, flexing your two-day-old water powers.”

“It's not  _ flexing, _ Touka-nee,” Tobirama rolled his eyes. “I'm testing the limits.”

“Looks a lot like flexing to me, dattebayo,” Naruto said, sitting on Hashirama's shoulders and idly kicking his feet.

“To you, getting near the stove while made of cloth looks like a good idea.”

“I didn't mean to get near the stove! I just fell on it, dattebayo!”

“You wouldn't have fallen if you weren't in the cupboard, Naruto-kun!” Sakura said, leaning from Touka's shoulders to look at the other Guard. “What were you thinking, looking for snacks? We don't need to eat!”

“ _ Can _ you eat?” Hashirama asked. He extended his hand to Tobirama, clinking softly, and his brother passed him some water.

“I was trying to find out but I fell.”

“I have a bag of flaming doritos for you to try when we get back home.”

“Awesome, dattebayo! High five!”

Hashirama raised his hand for Naruto to high five, clinking again.

“That noise is driving me crazy,” Touka commented.

“I think I have some leftover foam at home. I'll pad the armor up and see if it's still there when he--” Tobirama was cut off by an explosion in the distance.

Kakashi looked up from the book he was reading, snapped it shut and stood up on Tobirama's shoulder.

“That sounds like a problem,” he said. “Let's go check it out.”

There was a blond man. There was a blond man in the middle of the street. There was a blond man in the middle of the street laughing maniacally. There was a blond man in the middle of the street laughing maniacally while he made bombs.

“He has mouths on his hands,” Touka said, peering around the corner, and shuddered.

“What?!” Tobirama and Hashirama asked, trying to take a look.

“Deidara,” Kakashi explained. “He makes explosives by chewing rubble with his hand-mouths.”

“Is there any one of them who didn't smash the body horror button?” Touka asked.

“Sadly, no,” Sakura answered.

Deidara was having a blast, pun intended.

“This is so beautiful!” he shouted as the clouds of dust raised to the sky. His left hand-mouth spitted another bomb and he tossed it up and down. “Where do I place my new piece? How about... there?”

He threw the bomb up and kicked it though a shop window. It shattered into a million sparkling pieces of crystals, reflecting the street lights for a second, before the bomb went off and the explosion sent rubble and dust out on the street. Deidara spun away from the debris and laughed, eyes wide with wonder.

“Art,” he whispered in awe. He saw a water whip coming at him and avoided it barely on time. “Hey, what the fuck?”

“You're destroying my city,” Tobirama answered, attacking him again.

“I'm making art, you brat! Who're you anyway? Where are the others?” Deidara kept moving away from Tobirama's attacks.

“There's only me.”

“Bullshit. I hear an armor clinking over there,” Deidara spat a bomb to the source of the clinking and Hashirama darted away from his hiding spot. He barely had time to throw up a wooden shield before the bomb exploded. “Well, that's the Mokuton out, and you with the water are obviously the Suiton. Where's the other one?”

“We're not joined at the hips, you know,” Hashirama answered, sending vines and roots at him.

Deidara jumped and dropped a bomb that blew the plants up, and twisted in the air to send another at Tobirama, who put up a water wall to redirect the blast back to him.

Hashirama used the distraction to wrap a vine around the bomber's ankle and slam him into the street. Touka appeared from above, aiming a punch.

“There you are,” Deidara said and threw a bomb at her.

“TOUKA!” the brothers screamed at the same time. Hashirama's plants shielded and pulled her away while Tobirama's water batted the bomb back at Deidara.

The boys approached and fussed over her while Deidara laughed, standing up from the rubble.

“Are you hurt?” Tobirama asked. Deidara started giving a monologue in the background.

“Yeah, yeah, just a little tossed around,” Touka answered.

“... TEMPORARY, NOT MEANT TO LAST!...”

“Tossed around? You got a blast straight to the face!” Hashirama squeaked indignantly.

Sakura rolled her eyes. “Hashirama-kun, aren't you forgetting something?”

“... ONE SECOND AND THEN GONE IS THE BEST...!”

“I usually am, but what are you talking about?”

“She can heal me, Hashirama,” Touka reminded him.

“... BECAUSE  _ ART! ART IS A BLAST!” _

“I already did, and right on time for the end of the monologue, it seems.”

The group turned their attention back to Deidara, who was giving the closing statements of his monologue.

“Why is he still speaking? He could have attacked us instead,” Tobirama asked.

“Sometimes you gain insight mid-battle,” Kakashi answered. “I, for one, tell my enemies about the pain and loss that plague me. Inside my own head, of course. No need to give them an edge.”

“Are you... ok?” Touka asked him.

“And... do you want to talk about it?” Hashirama added.

“Yes to the first, no to the second,” Kakashi's eye crinkled shut.

Tobirama placed a finger on Kakashi's tiny shoulder and pretended not to notice when the doll leaned into it.

“Sensei, as soon as this is over I'm going to hug you for two weeks straight,” Sakura said.

“We won't let you go, dattebayo!” Naruto added.

“I appreciate the sentiment but keep your heads in the fight. Deidara's done laughing maniacally.”

“I already dealt with it,” Tobirama said, scratching Kakashi's head. He watched with mild amusement while the bomber tried to chew rubble with his hand-mouths but found he couldn't.

“WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?!” He shouted, staring at them in anger.

“What did you do?” Touka asked Tobirama.

“I'm holding water in his hand-mouths so he can't put anything else there.”

“HOW DARE YOU?! BUT YOU WON'T GET IN THE WAY OF ART!” Deidara ripped his shirt off. Slowly, repulsively, a mouth opened on his left pec, and a huge tongue sprung out.

“Gross!” Naruto and Hashirama shouted.

Deidara started shoving debris into it. “I'll go out with the BIGGEST BANG!”

The three Shinobi attacked him, but he evaded everything they could possibly throw at him.

Roots sprung forth, twisting and turning and attacking Deidara, while Tobirama danced around them, lashing out with whips and spears made of water, creating openings for Touka to move in and punch and kick, but nothing was working.

“Keep going!” Naruto shouted.

“Nah, just give up. This blast will take out half the city and it's almost compl--” Deidara was saying when a butterfly flew into his mouth. He coughed and gagged until he spat it out, but Tobirama had wrapped a water whip around his neck and Touka had punched him in the chest mouth. It puked a disgusting goo as Deidara turned to dust.

The Shinobi gathered in a circle around his crumbling form, panting and watching intently as his remains blew away in the wind.

“You're welcome,” a soft voice said from above.

Their heads snapped to the voice and they saw a person standing on a hole in the wall of a building. She appeared to be a woman, lithe and elegant, and she wore a black tuxedo, top hat and cape; a domino mask hid her face and purple hair fell around her shoulders.

“Welcome for what?” Hashirama asked warily.

The woman in the tuxedo lifted her hand and a butterfly came to rest on her finger.

“Who are you?” Touka said.

“Are you friend or foe?” Tobirama added.

“I'm a friend,” the woman answered. “As for my name... call me Tuxedo Mask. Goodbye.” She spun in a dramatic flurry of cape and was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

“Well, that was... odd,” Tobirama said.

“That cape swipe kind of turned me on,” Kakashi chimed in.

“Yeah,” Hashirama and Touka agreed.

“Don't be pervs!” Sakura shouted over the sound of approaching sirens.

“Let's leave before we get caught,” Naruto said.

“Ok, but it was kinda hot,” Hashirama answered as the group started moving.

Naruto only shrugged in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Thri_here. Your constant commenting keeps this fandom going, and you should be cherished by all <3<3<3


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